I was 35 already when this brick fell on me: my doctor tells me I have ADHD. Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder means I can sometimes be over-energetic and sometimes just so down I can't get myself to do anything. My brain is not able to concentrate for long periods of time and it affects me in my adult life like you wouldn't believe.Throughout my school years, teachers would complain about my slowness and my inability to finish what I start. I'm a complete failure in practical school work, yet I can easily reach 97% in most academic fields, as long as it is theory. I never studied in my life. I didn't have to. I understood theory as I was hearing it but I wasn't able to apply it to reality. I could never understand why this was.
My parents were just so discouraged. I wasn't able to keep anything in order. Even at home, I could start many projects and not be able to finish any of them. I somehow lost motivation or concentration in the middle. They would just sit there, unfinished, for years. I have stories that I am pursueing thirty years after having abandoned their writing.
In 2001, I was hired by a consortium to create a directory of the non-profit organizations in the western part of now merged Québec City. I had five bosses, one for each of the organizations that paid for the work to be done. One of them was the supervisor; a very nice person. She caught me red-handed, downloading tunes and writing articles for Waska's newsletter at the same time I was performing work for the directory. Why wasn't I able to JUST do the directory? When I was multi-tasking, I could render a work of quality in almost no time! Well done, quickly done and very few mistakes made. If I tried concentrating on only one task, I became dyslexic, I lost my abilities and made plenty of stupid mistakes. And I was slower at production!
I tried to reform myself and, if I didn't want to lose my job, made an effort to concentrate on the one job. Maybe, I thought, it's just a matter of will power. I'm probably just too lazy or lacking of self-organization. Things got out of hand.
Even today, I still feel like that in my two jobs. At night, I am a relay operator (711 and VOIP 911) and, the rest of my working time, I am the executive secretary of Waska. Both jobs require that I keep organized and concentrated.
Distraction: I get easily distracted by absolutely everything. Even thoughts running in my head distract me. I have the hardest time focusing on just one thing.
Poor memory: I miss details, forget things and names... Absolutely not good in my jobs. I have to write down everything I don't want to forget. Otherwise, I miss my breaks at work, messing up everybody else's schedule in the process. Every time, I feel guilty and it increases my stress level.
Short concentration span: I can read a book and, five minutes later, read something on the Internet. Then, five minutes later, I switch to a crossword puzzle or something else. At work, I need multi-tasking. Otherwise, I go crazy! My brain switches from an activity to another in minutes. Focusing is a battle of every minute. It's like I get bored or something. It's mentally painful to keep thinking about one same thing for more than five minutes. Except if it is something that is reallllllly enjoyable ;)
Learning problem: My boss is teaching me something new. I understand everything and find everything easy. But I look like I'm stupid as soon as I have to apply what I've learned. I miss details, information leaks out of my mind and I find myself stuck with a holy memory.
Bizarre attention: When people speak to me, they think I'm not listening to them because I can't keep my eyes focused on theirs. I tend to look away unknowingly because I'm struggling with keeping concentrated on what is being said. I'm fighting with my brain to keep it following. It is sometimes interpreted as if I were confused.
Daydreaming: My brain is juggling with so many thoughts at once that I have to stop and pay attention to only one thought to make sense out of it. Disconnecting from reality to do so looks like I am daydreaming.
Processing information: My brain is constantly moving. Incoming information has to be properly processed. But, in my case, it feels like I have to file documents in an office where tennis balls are constantly thrown at me. I may look slow at understanding but, in fact, I am just losing so much time at keeping everything orderly that new information takes some time to be sorted out. Instructions are so painful!
Squirming: When my brain is either overloaded with mixed thoughts or when it threatens to set itself on the "energy saving mode", I start doing exercises on my chair. I have to pump some oxygen into it, otherwise I just shuts off. It pulls the plug on me!
Non-stop talking: Thoughts are zooming so fast in my head that it is hard for someone to keep up with me in a conversation. They say I'm talking so fast and so much that I make them feel dizzy! Again, I am aware of this. I understand their feelings and I struggle to do otherwise. It is not always a success and it results in another guilt stress.
Inappropriate: Being so mixed up in the head makes me say things out of context. Or, even worse, do something and realize the consequences after it's too late! How many times have I found myself taking stupid decisions that I could beat myself for! Where was my brain when I needed it?!? I don't even trust my own judgement. How can I expect someone to trust it?
Opposition: Things go too fast for me. Sometimes, in the understanding process, I may look defiant or stubborn. Deeply, I am not. On the line of fire, I don't have enough time to be analytic the way I'd like to be and it is often misinterpreted. Now, I say: I'll come back to you on this. People see I am agreeable - after enough thinking time. That's why I'm absolutely no good at arguing. I often am the losing party because of this LOL
All of this added up and my stress level sky-rocketed. Guilt feelings lead to anxiety. But there is hope! There is this medication called Methylphenidate (MPH) helping dopamine work better in the brain. It results, seemingly, in a better concentration level which allows a better organization of one's life. Just what I need because I'm just so desperate.
In 2001, I went to see my doctor with this disorganization problem. At the time, he wasn't favouring the chemical solution because, he said, I was able to cope with alternate mechanisms. It means I was able to multi-task and seemed to work around the problem in a satisfying way. Maybe it was true then but it's not working anymore. My life is crumbling around me because I cannot get organized appropriately. So, at 43, I went to see another doctor and spoke of the problem once more. This time, I have children to take care of - I am not alone in this turmoil. And genetics seem to transmit this fault to following generations: my kids are stuck with that too.
Along with the medication, a good organizational coaching is a useful complementary way towards succes. Have a look at Chantal Beaupré's site and let me tell you that she is a big part in my being hopeful.
Jean-François "Tuxdequebec" Néron
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